Your Business Is My Business. Keep Out Of It.

Admit it. You're terrified.

You see it everyday. New applications promising to finally let you see who is viewing your profile. Finally, you can expose all those creepy Facebook stalkers hellbent on looking at your pictures and being generally harmless. They'll see their name on a list you post and be embarrassed because they met you at a party last month, you haven't spoken since and they're third on said list. A great victory for you. Everything is going great and then...tragedy strikes.

It happens to you.

We're all creepy and we all have our reasons. None of us want to be exposed as the weirdos we are. As a unit, we all need to resist temptation and pass on our chances to out our stalkers for the greater good.

Girls, you're well aware of what you're doing. It was your decision to show that much cleavage. Its your profile picture. Don't try to play the victim here and don't try to make me feel bad for staring. You're benefiting from it too. You know, "that whore"? The one fucking the guy you're trying to fuck? How would you feel if she knew you were looking at her pictures every waking moment, using them to convince yourself that she is the scum of the earth? Most importantly, he wasn't too interested in you anyway. He's stalking your friend, she drinks a lot more and takes way sluttier pictures.

Guys, we stand to lose a lot here. Facebook has given us the chance to do what we try to do in public but the angry stares we get in return have held us to quick glances and nothing more. You made a bold decision adding her on Facebook. It was hard trying to see her last name when the bartender handed her ID back to her, but you did it. She doesn't know how you found her online but accepts the friend request all the same because there are still some junior year of high school, MySpace friend collection instincts left. You're never going to talk to her again, so whats the harm here? Ladies, must you publicly embarrass this man? He's lonely and defeated enough to do this kind of thing, don't take that away.

It could get out of hand in a hurry. Soon we'll be able to see who is looking at your profile in real time and its only going to make you uncomfortable. Why has the weird guy from your last job been looking your the picture of you licking your sorority sisters face for the last 17 minutes? Why has your ex-girlfriend been looking at you and your new girlfriends vacation album while listening to empowering break up song X(it shows you song selection as well for that extra shame factor).

All I'm saying is that its a slippery slope. The great joy of the internet is that you can do near anything anonymously. We're living in a post 2 Girls/1 cup world, we've all found our own nasty little niche. Embrace the fact that you need to spy on other people lives in order to feel better/worse about yourself. Its human nature, we're all creepy.

Oh, and in case you're reading, you probably don't remember me, but your ass looks AMAZING.