Adverts

I like how the British say commercial, but thats not why I've brought you here today. Something made me really angry.

I'm not breaking any new ground here when I say I hate the Mac vs. PC commercials. People have bitched about them for years and they've been parodied in unfunny parodies since day one. The most recent one bothers me the most. John Hodgman(hilarious) brings in Patrick Warburton(hilarious) and shows him off to random customer bitch X. He is the top of the line PC. But he has problems, as all PCs do, so she turns him down in favor of Justin Long. The smug, ugly, untalented douchebag who feels that fucking that chew talking bitch Drew Barrymore is even remotely acceptable.

K-Mart has invented the word "Blingatutde." I think that's how they're spelling it. Either way, its tweens in bedazzled jeans strutting around their middle school math class looking like a bunch of bitchy whores. Even though they're impressionable at that age, I'm sure no kid thinks the clothes at K-Mart are cool and I feel bad for them when their confused mothers take them there and say "Its what all the other kids are wearing!."

And lastly, T Mobile needs to get their shit together. They have Whoopi Goldberg, Phil Jackson and Jesse James in their ad for the new G1. This is up against the iPhone and thats the best line up you can give me? Did the unemployed, albeit still pretty hot Catherine Zeta-Jones turn this one down? I think I'm in the minority by being able to name those three people. Just goes to show how closely I follow basketball, reality shows and women's morning TV.

I refuse to believe Audrina Patridge was unavailable.

Let The Hate Flow Through You

After vomiting a bunch of misery onto the page yesterday I feel the need to do what I do best, talk shit about other things in order to feel better about myself.

I'm not upset about anything specifically so I'll need to invent something. My coffee is cold. Fuck you, Obama. (its as reasonable as the other shit hes blamed for)

So my financial situation sucks, this couch really hurts my back, I think I have arm cancer(first recorded case) and I would bitch about how out of shape I am but looking at the stretch marks on the black girls arm on More To Love makes me feel anorexic by comparison. I went generic there because the first two references that came into my head were holocaust survivor and Calista Flockhart. One shouldn't be joked about and the other isn't very timely. Seriously, Calista had a serious problem. It was no laughing matter.

Where to go from here? I'll tell you! Pretend you're someone else. I discussed this with a co-worker today. I never went to proper college so I missed out on all the hilarious shit that goes on while missing out on the tedious shit such as classes. Luckily, I'm still of college age so its appropriate to hang out there. All the freshman will be moving in at Rutgers soon and now is the time to strike.

I can impress endless amounts of naive, overwhelmed 18 year old girls with a good act. Precocious hedge fund manager? Independently wealthy orphan? Drummer from band she's never heard of that "toured with Green Day?" All are possible. I like taking the business angle. Pretend to be an inventor. Adam Carolla talks about knowing you've made it when you can say "That's me."

You: "Are you familiar with Solo cups?

Girl, holding a Solo cup: "Well, yeah."

You: "That's me."

Now I worry about the girl being able to fact check. iPhones fuck with everything now. But she's probably too drunk to think about it, if she hasn't lost her phone by this point. This idea can definitely work if you've got enough friends willing to back you up and a hot female friend to come ask for a picture with you, the sausage king of Mercer County(double entendre!).

Now if only I weren't such a pussy...

Devil without a cause, and I'm back with the beaver hats and Ben Davis slacks.

I make a lot of promises. I have a nasty habit of saying I'm going to do this and this and this and then proceed to do nothing. With that in mind, I will now talk about my plans.

First of all, the blog is now crazy marketable because I've taken the word "cunt" out of the title. Not like I'm trying to make money off of this but some people find it needless. So voluntarily forced to change it I went with a Brooker reference as he does these things better than I. I think the only reason I'm writing this now is because I've been watching so much Screenwipe. As a matter of fact, I'm typing in his voice. Does this mean I have no creativity or mind of my own? Potentially. But who cares? You don't even know who he is so its new to you. Ideally you become an original product of your influences. You hear a lot of Stooges influence when you listen to Fucked Up, but their sound is unmistakably theirs.

But heres why I'm writing again: I just feel like talking. I've had no outlet, and while I don't think most of what I have to say is worth hearing, I do have my flashes of brilliance. Writing angry tweets and Facebook comments and then waiting for someone to open the door for my screaming doesn't get the best results. Say something incendiary, someone responds, drop the hammer. No one cares for it but me. So I'm just going to write and see what happens. No gimmicks or countdowns or bringing in an army of writers. No tedious talking down to the audience that I don't have. I have my opinions and I'd like to share them with whoever is willing to listen. You're free to come and go as you'd like. My life doesn't depend on readers.

And while this is in the vein of what I want to be known for to some extent, I don't need to worry about it being perfect. This is practice, me working things out. Its what you're willing to do for free that gets you ahead. I hate to even suggest that this blog could turn into anything more than a soapbox for over the top vitriol but if Perez Hilton made a career out of it, anything is possible. Now hes hanging out with Katy Perry. Not that I'd really want that. She seems painfully unfunny and has a stupid face. Though I doubt she'd be too interested in me either, what with my paleness and stammering and constant look of misery. So Katy Perry and I hate each other. Its been decided. My first celebrity feud. Its only uphill from here.