Running Diary

Where are the Twitter users? Are there any?

I haven't had much to say anyway.

So.

(15 minute pause)

I have very little to say. I have a lot to complain about but nothing really interesting or funny. I'll complain about using the word "complain." If I were to say "Today I'm complaining about..." this would come across as gimmicky bullshit. I mean, it is, but then it would be on the level of "You know what really grinds my gears?" or for a real life example, John Stossel.

I just referenced Family Guy. I'm watching my hipster credibility burn in front of me. And right now I'm watching Dane Cook: Isolated Incident. It came on after the Colbert Report, I didn't have the remote. I will watch with an open mind and actually try to laugh. So heres an idea, a running diary.

12:00 - Show begins. Dane talks about Obama. He's speaking really fast and just saying he likes the name "Barack Obama."

12:04 - Still on Obama, likes that hes a tech president. Really hasn't told a joke yet...

12:05 - First commercial. Everyone seemed to be laughing and I don't know why. I haven't set out to hate this. I hate Dane Cook and all that he stands for, but he has to be SORT OF funny. I mean, everything has some redeeming quality.

Everyone seems to love him and we actually hear about it on a daily basis. Compare this to the musical equivalent of Dane Cook, Nickelback. They're as popular as any rock band in the world, but do you know anyone that likes them? I have never met a Nickelback fan.

12:08 - Dane is talking about deleting names out of his phone to clear up space. George Carlin did this bit much better in "Its Bad For Ya"

12:09 - Hes talking to a girl in the audience who may or may not be Anna Faris.

12:11 - Dead mom humor. Not like, funny dead mom humor though.

12:14 - Hes talking about the haters. Hes talking about all the hate sites and as he says "theres like 87 Dane Cook Sucks sites" and the crowd is booing and making the sounds you'd make if you were there when someone who like leads your villiage or underground resistance group offered to sacrifice themself for the good of the people.

12:18 - Alright, I like the way he dealt with hatemail. Long story short, a guy told Dane his parents died to get away from his shitty comedy and then when the haters dad got a brain tumor he apologized. Dane wrote back to him saying "Your dad got a brain tumor because he was sick of his alcoholic, jobless, spineless shitty son."

He's so edgy!

This is something Louis C.K. would have done better. His audience probably thought that was so shocking and brutal because they're completely unfamiliar with Louis C.K., Jim Norton, The Opie and Anthony show, et cetera.

12:27 - Women are crazy lolol!!1!

12:29 - As hes saying nothing worth mentioning, I'll point out that he looks to be in fine shape. Dana Gould said in an interview the other day that hes never understood the "cool" comics. No one should ever be talking about a comics delts.

12:35 - He says hes put a remote in a girls vagina. For comedic effect(imagine that), I won't explain the context.

12:39 - "So I was masturbating violently the other day." This would be funnier to me if I weren't so dissensitized to a guy talking about masturbating given how much I listen to Adam Carolla.

12:43 - Hes got a solid yelling voice, I'll give him that. His intensity is intense, even though it falls short of being funny.

12:44 - Grilled Chicken Burrito at Taco Bell. 89 cents. Yes.

12:48 - Actual funny story about him and his ex-girlfriend role playing by acting out a horror movie. Ends with a "now you hang up" line that has been used...a lot.

12:50 - First thing I've really laughed at, a commerical for "UP." An old man in an argument with a massive fictional bird. Comedy Gold.

12:53 - Dane discusses YouPorn. He makes a good point about it, mentioning that the titles of the videos are insane. I personally find YouPorn to have the most poorly lit, poorly shot, disgusting videos on the entire internet. There are better sites. I like Tube8. Less catchy name. YouPorn is only popular because of the name. Its not even that good of a name, it doesnt even rhyme with tube. Its like people who hate bands and try to force "gay" into the band name even though it makes no sense. Avenged Sevengay.

1:00 - While I was writing that last paragraph I missed the rest of what he was talking about. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. Futurama is on. All if right with the world.