Adverts

I like how the British say commercial, but thats not why I've brought you here today. Something made me really angry.

I'm not breaking any new ground here when I say I hate the Mac vs. PC commercials. People have bitched about them for years and they've been parodied in unfunny parodies since day one. The most recent one bothers me the most. John Hodgman(hilarious) brings in Patrick Warburton(hilarious) and shows him off to random customer bitch X. He is the top of the line PC. But he has problems, as all PCs do, so she turns him down in favor of Justin Long. The smug, ugly, untalented douchebag who feels that fucking that chew talking bitch Drew Barrymore is even remotely acceptable.

K-Mart has invented the word "Blingatutde." I think that's how they're spelling it. Either way, its tweens in bedazzled jeans strutting around their middle school math class looking like a bunch of bitchy whores. Even though they're impressionable at that age, I'm sure no kid thinks the clothes at K-Mart are cool and I feel bad for them when their confused mothers take them there and say "Its what all the other kids are wearing!."

And lastly, T Mobile needs to get their shit together. They have Whoopi Goldberg, Phil Jackson and Jesse James in their ad for the new G1. This is up against the iPhone and thats the best line up you can give me? Did the unemployed, albeit still pretty hot Catherine Zeta-Jones turn this one down? I think I'm in the minority by being able to name those three people. Just goes to show how closely I follow basketball, reality shows and women's morning TV.

I refuse to believe Audrina Patridge was unavailable.

Let The Hate Flow Through You

After vomiting a bunch of misery onto the page yesterday I feel the need to do what I do best, talk shit about other things in order to feel better about myself.

I'm not upset about anything specifically so I'll need to invent something. My coffee is cold. Fuck you, Obama. (its as reasonable as the other shit hes blamed for)

So my financial situation sucks, this couch really hurts my back, I think I have arm cancer(first recorded case) and I would bitch about how out of shape I am but looking at the stretch marks on the black girls arm on More To Love makes me feel anorexic by comparison. I went generic there because the first two references that came into my head were holocaust survivor and Calista Flockhart. One shouldn't be joked about and the other isn't very timely. Seriously, Calista had a serious problem. It was no laughing matter.

Where to go from here? I'll tell you! Pretend you're someone else. I discussed this with a co-worker today. I never went to proper college so I missed out on all the hilarious shit that goes on while missing out on the tedious shit such as classes. Luckily, I'm still of college age so its appropriate to hang out there. All the freshman will be moving in at Rutgers soon and now is the time to strike.

I can impress endless amounts of naive, overwhelmed 18 year old girls with a good act. Precocious hedge fund manager? Independently wealthy orphan? Drummer from band she's never heard of that "toured with Green Day?" All are possible. I like taking the business angle. Pretend to be an inventor. Adam Carolla talks about knowing you've made it when you can say "That's me."

You: "Are you familiar with Solo cups?

Girl, holding a Solo cup: "Well, yeah."

You: "That's me."

Now I worry about the girl being able to fact check. iPhones fuck with everything now. But she's probably too drunk to think about it, if she hasn't lost her phone by this point. This idea can definitely work if you've got enough friends willing to back you up and a hot female friend to come ask for a picture with you, the sausage king of Mercer County(double entendre!).

Now if only I weren't such a pussy...

Devil without a cause, and I'm back with the beaver hats and Ben Davis slacks.

I make a lot of promises. I have a nasty habit of saying I'm going to do this and this and this and then proceed to do nothing. With that in mind, I will now talk about my plans.

First of all, the blog is now crazy marketable because I've taken the word "cunt" out of the title. Not like I'm trying to make money off of this but some people find it needless. So voluntarily forced to change it I went with a Brooker reference as he does these things better than I. I think the only reason I'm writing this now is because I've been watching so much Screenwipe. As a matter of fact, I'm typing in his voice. Does this mean I have no creativity or mind of my own? Potentially. But who cares? You don't even know who he is so its new to you. Ideally you become an original product of your influences. You hear a lot of Stooges influence when you listen to Fucked Up, but their sound is unmistakably theirs.

But heres why I'm writing again: I just feel like talking. I've had no outlet, and while I don't think most of what I have to say is worth hearing, I do have my flashes of brilliance. Writing angry tweets and Facebook comments and then waiting for someone to open the door for my screaming doesn't get the best results. Say something incendiary, someone responds, drop the hammer. No one cares for it but me. So I'm just going to write and see what happens. No gimmicks or countdowns or bringing in an army of writers. No tedious talking down to the audience that I don't have. I have my opinions and I'd like to share them with whoever is willing to listen. You're free to come and go as you'd like. My life doesn't depend on readers.

And while this is in the vein of what I want to be known for to some extent, I don't need to worry about it being perfect. This is practice, me working things out. Its what you're willing to do for free that gets you ahead. I hate to even suggest that this blog could turn into anything more than a soapbox for over the top vitriol but if Perez Hilton made a career out of it, anything is possible. Now hes hanging out with Katy Perry. Not that I'd really want that. She seems painfully unfunny and has a stupid face. Though I doubt she'd be too interested in me either, what with my paleness and stammering and constant look of misery. So Katy Perry and I hate each other. Its been decided. My first celebrity feud. Its only uphill from here.

Running Diary

Where are the Twitter users? Are there any?

I haven't had much to say anyway.

So.

(15 minute pause)

I have very little to say. I have a lot to complain about but nothing really interesting or funny. I'll complain about using the word "complain." If I were to say "Today I'm complaining about..." this would come across as gimmicky bullshit. I mean, it is, but then it would be on the level of "You know what really grinds my gears?" or for a real life example, John Stossel.

I just referenced Family Guy. I'm watching my hipster credibility burn in front of me. And right now I'm watching Dane Cook: Isolated Incident. It came on after the Colbert Report, I didn't have the remote. I will watch with an open mind and actually try to laugh. So heres an idea, a running diary.

12:00 - Show begins. Dane talks about Obama. He's speaking really fast and just saying he likes the name "Barack Obama."

12:04 - Still on Obama, likes that hes a tech president. Really hasn't told a joke yet...

12:05 - First commercial. Everyone seemed to be laughing and I don't know why. I haven't set out to hate this. I hate Dane Cook and all that he stands for, but he has to be SORT OF funny. I mean, everything has some redeeming quality.

Everyone seems to love him and we actually hear about it on a daily basis. Compare this to the musical equivalent of Dane Cook, Nickelback. They're as popular as any rock band in the world, but do you know anyone that likes them? I have never met a Nickelback fan.

12:08 - Dane is talking about deleting names out of his phone to clear up space. George Carlin did this bit much better in "Its Bad For Ya"

12:09 - Hes talking to a girl in the audience who may or may not be Anna Faris.

12:11 - Dead mom humor. Not like, funny dead mom humor though.

12:14 - Hes talking about the haters. Hes talking about all the hate sites and as he says "theres like 87 Dane Cook Sucks sites" and the crowd is booing and making the sounds you'd make if you were there when someone who like leads your villiage or underground resistance group offered to sacrifice themself for the good of the people.

12:18 - Alright, I like the way he dealt with hatemail. Long story short, a guy told Dane his parents died to get away from his shitty comedy and then when the haters dad got a brain tumor he apologized. Dane wrote back to him saying "Your dad got a brain tumor because he was sick of his alcoholic, jobless, spineless shitty son."

He's so edgy!

This is something Louis C.K. would have done better. His audience probably thought that was so shocking and brutal because they're completely unfamiliar with Louis C.K., Jim Norton, The Opie and Anthony show, et cetera.

12:27 - Women are crazy lolol!!1!

12:29 - As hes saying nothing worth mentioning, I'll point out that he looks to be in fine shape. Dana Gould said in an interview the other day that hes never understood the "cool" comics. No one should ever be talking about a comics delts.

12:35 - He says hes put a remote in a girls vagina. For comedic effect(imagine that), I won't explain the context.

12:39 - "So I was masturbating violently the other day." This would be funnier to me if I weren't so dissensitized to a guy talking about masturbating given how much I listen to Adam Carolla.

12:43 - Hes got a solid yelling voice, I'll give him that. His intensity is intense, even though it falls short of being funny.

12:44 - Grilled Chicken Burrito at Taco Bell. 89 cents. Yes.

12:48 - Actual funny story about him and his ex-girlfriend role playing by acting out a horror movie. Ends with a "now you hang up" line that has been used...a lot.

12:50 - First thing I've really laughed at, a commerical for "UP." An old man in an argument with a massive fictional bird. Comedy Gold.

12:53 - Dane discusses YouPorn. He makes a good point about it, mentioning that the titles of the videos are insane. I personally find YouPorn to have the most poorly lit, poorly shot, disgusting videos on the entire internet. There are better sites. I like Tube8. Less catchy name. YouPorn is only popular because of the name. Its not even that good of a name, it doesnt even rhyme with tube. Its like people who hate bands and try to force "gay" into the band name even though it makes no sense. Avenged Sevengay.

1:00 - While I was writing that last paragraph I missed the rest of what he was talking about. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter. Futurama is on. All if right with the world.

Forcing It

I'm no good at writing when there is nothing to say. I could always bullshit something but you can always see through that. Its just a few paragraphs of waffling and half hearted jokes. So whats good is that I never committed to a schedule for this.

A real post tomorrow, I think. Meanwhile, follow the twitter at www.twitter.com/mikecomplains

Being Realistic

Lets face facts, its not all good times. As much as we'd like to just shout down the opposition and be an asshole, it just isn't practical. The last few posts here made it sound like I just go around saying whatever to whoever and fuck the consequences. That couldn't be further from the truth.

Not to contradict myself, but there is an appropriate time to shut up. It isn't admitting you're wrong, its knowing you can't win. I would love everything to be in black and white. To be a Vulcan or something(how topical!). To only see things as logical or illogical. It'd be great until pon farr, at which point I'd have to kill all of you. Mates are hard to come by these days...

Anyway, case in point, whores hate to be called whores. Besides a dick shortage, there is nothing they hate more(Easy joke and pun. I'm on the phone with the producers of Two and a Half Men. They want me to come in). But they're the least introspective people you'll meet. After all, the shame of realizing who they truly are would crush their infected little souls. You could argue that they're just in denial but that means they're ignorant which goes hand in hand with stupidity. If you were drunk and angry and called a walking herpes sore a whore, she'd be livid. She would lose her mind on you. Who would ever accept that? You can't make an incendiary statement like that and not expect a terrible reaction. So when she starts yelling, just be happy you made her mad. You aren't going to convince her you're right.

Don't think I mean its a good idea to live your life pissing people off. I know a guy who thinks that's his purpose. He sucks in ways you can't imagine, hes disgusting in every way, but good luck convincing him of that.

Never Shutting Up

Part of being preachy is knowing that you should never shut up no matter what. Always have the last word. Remember, its not about never admitting you're wrong, its about never being wrong. There is a massive difference.

Sure, maybe you yelled a lot. Maybe you were a huge asshole in a situation that didn't call for it in the least bit. But did you get your point across? Yes you did.

Sometimes its a knee jerk reaction, much like I discussed in yesterdays post.

I was never a good student in choir because, well, why bother? In fact, I failed it on three occasions. Before all the failures was an ill fated run at bass section leader. This is when I decided I needed an impressive college application with a lot of impressive activities and titles(Total colleges applied to: 0). All the title really meant was taking attendance at concerts. Why wouldn't I want that? My main competition was...everyone. Including eventual winner and current roommate Krause. But there was another kid who(m)(?) I hated with a passion. His name was Jeff and in the unlikely event that he reads this, I still do. He was just as ready to run as I was.

So when a paper goes around for people to nominate themselves, Jeff turns to me and says "Hey Mike, vote for me for section leader?'

His mouth didn't close before I looked him straight in the face and said "Go to hell, Jeff."

He didn't think that was funny at all.

Groceries

I have a tendency to forget exactly where I am from time to time. You get used to saying things a certain way, no matter how ridiculous, and it bites you in the ass. I think what happens to me is different than the kid who keeps screaming "FUCK!" in English class and then apologizes by saying "I can't help it". That's obviously not true. You responded to something the teacher said with "That's fucking stupid."

My issue is that I say really vulgar things about really mundane events("The cunting Wheaties are gone") so when I was in the grocery store the other day and learned that 100% cranberry juice is never 100% cranberry juice but a blend I said "Well then fuck everybody." and I saw a lady look at me like she hoped I die. I had the audacity, the sheer gall, to wonder what her problem was until I realized what I said makes little sense and is completely inappropriate in the context of the situation. Everybody includes her, so maybe not fuck everybody. That lady has nothing to do with the cranberry juice industry. Unless she does, which justifies her reaction. Fair play to her.

In other grocery news; kids, never move out. That can't possibly be a proper use of a semicolon but a comma just didn't feel right. Grammar was never my strong suit. Anyway, everything is expensive in ways I never imagined. You run into outrageous incidental costs such as needing a can opener. $6 you could have spent on heroin.

I'm still trying to get a feel for exactly what I want to do here, I think this was a nice test run. A soft open.

Fresh

Look at me, writing another blog for no one to read. This is what, my third one? Potentially fourth? Does anyone even know anymore, and more importantly, does anyone even care.

Well, regardless, here I am again. We had some good times before and damnit, why not again? Grief Digestion Theater was a good idea that had some really good days. And when I say days I'm not referring to a period(David Ortiz has his best days behind him), I'm speaking of about four specific days out of close to 100. We suffered from over expansion, not unlike the NHL. Too many writers with too many themes and when all your readers become your writing staff you're kind of heading down a bad path.

The idea was that the new people writing would tell their friends that I don't talk to and get the word out. That didn't happen at all and no one was all that motivated to write for themselves, me included.

So this is different. Consider the things I do well, its all of that written down. This is my life and opinions written in a way that makes them as funny as possible. Maybe serious from time to time, but thats where the preachy cunt part comes in. A lot of what I say is pretty heavy handed, and this blogs title is me acknowledging that.

As far as stories go, let me tell you why this isn't a podcast. Sometimes I drink excessively, and during one of those times I tried to record a podcast. It had a lot of topical and sage advice, such as to stop sending people naked pictures of yourself on your cellphone because, as it turns out, someone else might see them. Its an especially poor idea if you're 16 and everyone who had it sent to them might be arrested once the cops get involved. Anyway, as I'm saying these things, the headset becomes disconnected. I tried to plug it back in and then the computer froze.

I did the reasonable thing and spiked my headset into a pile of blocks. I happened to be living in a basement at the time. I think its still usable, one headphone is missing and there are some exposed wires. It'll come back soon enough, I'll buy some bandwith and you'll be able to hear my stammering and sentences that trail off.

But this blog is going to be different. Its more honest, its more original. Things won't feel as forced and hopefully I can get people on board. Also, the color isn't nearly as ugly. We're going barebones as possible.

I don't know how regularly this will be updated(I feel like I've written that in 10 mission statement posts on infinite blogs) but I have a solution for those who can't be bothered to read a whole post.

www.twitter.com/mikecomplains

Please go there. Follow it.

I was on the fence for a while about Twitter. I hate that it was basically made as popular as it is by Ashton Kutcher but fuck it. Its 2009, no one has the attention span for 1000 words. 140 characters or less. There you go.

More tomorrow.